mage67 (mage67) wrote,

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A Memo from One Nation Under God Inc.

We realize that many temps are leaving secretaries desks messy. To review, we at National Investment Bank have instituted the various policies to avoid this:

1. Demanding that you clean the desk till it sparkles after you use it.
2. Calling in with your phone extension and desk number so you can be held more easily accountable.
3. Leaving a written confirmation of when and why you dared to work at their desk.

Because of insider trading caused by a lowly temp, we�ve had to restrict your investing for old age. We also decided to drug test you just because we thought it was funny.

However we at National Investment Bank are still not satisfied. Since we already threaten you every day just to put the fear of god in you, we decided to simply step-up this policy. Therefore to promote harmony, we are instituting a new policy. You must now treat all secretaries and other legitimate employees of National Investment Bank as if they ARE gods.

For those that are concerned about any potential problems this new policy may cause, please read the following FAQ to allay your misinformed foolish concerns:

Q: Isn�t this blasphemous and against everything we hold dear?
A: Not at all. This problem with blasphemy was raised approximately 2000 years ago when people wanted to worship both Christ and God. Since the bible clearly states only one God can be worshiped, Christ and God were judged to be one and the same to solve this problem. Therefore all National Investment Bank employees are also to be considered one entity indisguishable from God. We feel any practice worthy of the Son of God is certainly good enough for us.

Q: Don�t we have freedom of Religion protected by the Constitution of the United States, an authority above all other corporations?
A: Until the Supreme Court makes a decision on this particular situation; we can do whatever we like. Since most of the sitting judges on the court are right-wing corporation-friendly conservatives as proved by their judgment that George W. Bush should be President in spite of overwhelming evidence and the blatant self interest on the part of two of the judges, we feel the judicial climate for this new policy is just dandy.

Q: Can�t we sue you in a civil court for enforcing a new religion on us?
A: Not at all. We don�t force you to work for us, so you can just quit if you don�t want to worship National Investment Bank. We�re a multibillion dollar company that can hire the best lawyers and you�re underpaid uneducated smelly masses. You don�t stand a chance against us in court regardless of your justification. We doubt you have the collected brainpower to even find the right courthouse.

Q: But won�t I go to hell if I worship you? Isn�t my eternal soul worth more than starving to death by quitting?
A: You already sell a bit of your soul every day to us just by walking through the door. By asking for your soul completely outright, we promoting a more straightforward honest policy that will inevitably lead to a happier and healthier workplace.

Q: How could worshiping National Investment Bank and all it�s employees possibly make us happier?
A: Most people are conflicted between career and religion. This has forced us to give you perks like holidays and weekends off even if it conflicts with the work you have to do. We�ve now eliminated such problems to leave you totally free to focus only on National Investment Bank.

Q: How could worshiping National Investment Bank make us healthier?
A: Since we�re no longer bound by ridiculous outdated superstitious religions, we can now add chemicals to your food and air that will promote health, well-being, and increased productivity. We expect a few accidental mutations while we fine-tune this process, but Dow Chemicals assures us that these biological experiments will benefit all of mankind very soon. Also for every $1 we make from using you as guinea pigs, we will donate $.05 to Amnesty International. It�s clearly a win-win situation.

Q: Does that mean I have to give up my religion to work for you?
A: Of course not. Human beings have to cope with all sorts of conflicting beliefs to get through the day. This belief doesn�t conflict with anything, and we have trained human resources counselors that will convince you of this. They�re so good that they can even convince you you�re Pee Wee Herman if they get bored one day.

Q: Will this affect my pay rate?
A: It will actually increase your pay rate. Most major religions demand you give 10% of your salary to them. We only ask for 5%. Therefore we consider this new policy to be actually giving you an immediate 5% raise. We�ve also added an automatic payroll deduction so remembering to donate regularly won�t inconvenience you. National Investment Bank is also applying for tax-exempt status since we now consider ourselves a religion. This will allow us to pass the savings on to you. We�ve already instituted a chocolate mint on every chair policy starting next week, to show you the immediate benefits of our new enlightened policies. We feel those are a tastier improvement over those stale wafers you�re forced to gobble down at communions.

Q: Will I be expected to participate in smiting blasphemous workers?
A: Smiting will be limited to only qualified workers. To see if you�re eligible for the new NIB smiting program, we will have a list posted in a clearly visible area so you know who you may or may not smite. For example, employees vested in NIB�s retirement plan are also eligible to be immediately smited as an added thank you bonus for all their dedicated service. Giving you the opportunity to die for the grace and benefit of your company is just our way of saying thank you.

Q: Won�t I be in constant fear of my life then?
A: You�re quite safe. Smiting can only be done to workers who are not busy or are unproductive. If you have no work at the moment, just sign-out and there will be no danger. If your manager needs you again, we�ll phone you. Of course those employees that are needed again and are unable to be contacted will be eligible for smiting until such time as they can be properly contacted.

Q: Can I smite myself if it gets too bad?
A: Unlike most major religions we will not restrict you here. However you must give two weeks notice so you can teach someone your job first.

Q: Won�t this bring lower morale to an all time low?
A: Actually we feel our policy will increase morale to an all time high. Employee incentive programs just weren�t working. We�ve now instituted a new National Investment Bank saint program to give you something to aspire to. You can be worshiped as a NIB saint, if you qualify, long after you�re dead. In Christianity, you have to be dead at least 75 years before you can enjoy the benefits of sainthood. However, we allow for the possibility for NIB personnel to become living saints and enjoy heaven on earth just to show our appreciation. Of course saints won�t receive added pay or benefits, but since sainthood usually requires a vow of poverty, we know that�s not important to you.

Q: How should we worship NIB?
A: We�ve created a handy 34,212 page manual that can be accessed either online or in the NIB library. If there are system problems and you can�t access your new bible online, you can peruse a copy during your off-hours, as long as you don�t remove it from the premises. For your convenience, we�ve even created versions in Swahili, Esperanto, and Apache. The English version has been delayed due to last minute editing changes, but should be out very soon.

To summarize, you have never really had a legal recourse and now we have taken away all your moral recourses as well. Don�t worry about going to hell, because you�re already there.


Cardinal Elmer Smecklelieber, Esquire

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