mage67 (mage67) wrote,

I have made up a new term. I call it the Urban Zombie. These are the living dead(not the undead) and they can be nasty.

They really exist. These are the people who wander the streets oblivious to almost all around them and couldn't care less about it. How do you become one? Here are some tips

1. All walking must be done very very slowly to impede others walking behind you. You should stop suddenly once in awhile. Reversing direction and suddenly move in unpredictable ways always helps.

2. Flail your arms and legs to increase your odds of hitting someone. When you hit someone, you can just slowly turn and smile at them or say sorry in a low voice. Then continue to flail your arms and legs immediately. Extra skill is needed to make assaulted person say they're sorry and make them feel bad for it. Remember to aim for the eyes for maximum damage. Women should wear extra long ornately decorated nails for this purpose and complain that their victim made them ruin their nails. Remember that long nails are always a good excuse to move slowly.

3. In any passageway, you must take up as much room as possible. You don't have to be obese for this to work, but it does help. For example, when walking up a flight of stairs, always walk in the very middle of the stair case. Walking zigzag can also help. Spin and reverse direction if you can.

4. Carry a package with a large volume and hit a few people with it. This allows you to walk even slower and make foot-traffic go to crawl speed. A baby carriage is ideal for this, since no one is allowed to criticize anyone with baby equipment and your victims will even feel a need to help you out and apologize to you.
5. It's OK to stop acting like a zombie so that you can get in a line or passageway just before someone, as long as you immediately act zombie-like again and impede your victims.

6. Always be looking away from any other person. Facing the ground or staring somewhere no one else is looking is mandatory. Remember, if someone can make eye-contact, it's harder to ignore their needs. Pretending to talk to an imaginary friend far in the distance helps and complain if someone interrupts your important conversation.

7. Remember cell phone etiquette. Yell as loud on your cell phone as you can. Make sure the conversation is extremely mind-numbing. Discussing fashion styles of Paris Hilton or Britney Spears is ideal for this purpose. Also if someone tries to get your attention, pretend your cell was on vibrate and talk into your phone even with no one else talking to you. Remember that if someone interrupts you, they're at fault.

8. When being talked to, make sure the addresser has to say the same thing at least 3 times before you pretend to understand. Extra skill is applied if you can make them think they're at fault for not communicating right.

Always Remember that attitude is everything. After all it's your world and those others have some nerve to try to live in YOUR world too. If someone objects, keep in mind that your first reaction should be to attack back. Playing a radio very loud to drown them out can help.

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